m4anything

I desperately wanted this to be a missed connection for a time...

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 18:56:19 -0500

I desperately wanted this to be a missed connection for a time traveler, but nothing shows a lack of knowledge of the future like losing lotto tickets.

“Hipster hole.” I’m just posting this for...

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 16:38:49 -0500

“Hipster hole.”

I’m just posting this for potential blog traffic.

Here’s the most recent of this guy’s...

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 16:01:54 -0500

Here’s the most recent of this guy’s fingering/breast suckling ads.

I don’t really have an angle on this one, but I’m really curious as to what the statuses (stati?) of fingerbanging and being “into” tits are in the collective consciousness of very late 2010. For instance, should we be assuming this m is 14 years old or something? Does this m want to be an “adult baby” via his curiously Freudian infatuation with boobs and vagina? Or are we at a point where it’s acceptable to be an adult male with a full time job who just wants to invite a woman over to his apartment, grab a few drinks, massage her breasts and suck her nipples, and then fingerbang her?

So, this is the first of several ads I saw from this guy, each...

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:51:45 -0500

So, this is the first of several ads I saw from this guy, each of them asking for the same thing: he wants to fingerbang a chick while he sucks on her boobs.

I’ve seen ads like this before—ones where men offer...

Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:27:34 -0500

I’ve seen ads like this before—ones where men offer to clean houses—and plenty of other submissive fantasies on craigslist to the point where reading an ad like this shouldn’t even phase me, but there was something about this post that really bothered me.

At first I thought it might be the idea of cooking naked that confused me, but it’s not that. It’s that this m is 28 years old and wants to clean a house. And might not get sex out of it.

I won’t really clean my room even if I know someone’s coming over for the explicit purpose of having sex, so obviously I’m confounded by this.

I got drunk and blacked out twice this past weekend. I have no...

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 10:50:32 -0500

I got drunk and blacked out twice this past weekend. I have no idea what I did, but I know I made an ass out of myself because I’m a silly, stumble-y drunk who gets really friendly and likes to talk.

I’m going to pretend December 3rd didn’t happen the way it inevitably went down, that I met some friends at a bar, went home happy, slept well, and spent Saturday in my living room watching season 1 of Veronica Mars by choice and not because I was cripplingly hungover.

As much as I’d like to pretend December 5th didn’t happen, either, I made the mistake of blacking out among friends who later informed me of what I’d done. Apparently, I asked a girl out for sushi.

SUSHI?! Who asks a girl out for sushi? Am I your dad? Am I that lame when I drink? Was I trying to be ”ironic”? I blacked out, so I’ll never know. I don’t even know who the fuck I am any more.

Of all the things I’ve done when I was drunk, this was one of the most inexcuseable. Seriously, readers—because I’m very embarassed by this—please tell me one line you can tell a girl that’s as played-out, stereotypical, and cliched, as “want to get some sushi with me”?

I don’t need to do much work to set the scene for you: ...

Thu, 11 Nov 2010 18:03:31 -0500

I don’t need to do much work to set the scene for you: imagine a crowded bar with 90s music playing in the background, the lights are dim, people drinking, the din of conversation goes on around you, etc. Maybe it’s the kind of place where you have to do that half-shout at someone while they’re cocking your head towards you in order to be heard. This bar is a meat market. It’s one of those bars. Think of all this while I introduce the players.

Imagine Zach Galifianakis and a disinterested girl talking to one another at the bar. This girl could be anyone because no one would want to talk to someone who looked like Zach Galifianakis, unless that person actually was Zach Galifianakis. I don’t know…let’s say she’s skinny, has bangs, wears glasses to look more attractive, thought a lot about her outfit before going out but didn’t put too much effort into it. Let’s say she’s a 7 out of 10 or something, even though I have no idea what that means.

Now imagine the guy who looks like Zach Galifianakis. The key to this, though, is that you need to imagine a guy who looks exactly like Zach Galifianakis but isn’t actually Zach Galifianakis. It’s like they could be twins. And since this guy grew his beard (they’re trendy right now and he’s ugly underneath all that hair, anyway) he gets called “Zach Galifianakis” all the fucking time. His friends don’t even mention it any more because it stopped being funny for them a long time ago, but whenever he meets new people, they’re all “hey, you look like Zach Galifianakis” and this guy who looks like Zach Galifianakis but isn’t has to either laugh along with their terrible joke or say something like, “I haven’t heard that one before har har,” and then he comes off as a total fucking tool.

The thing is, this guy who is a fucking doppelganger for Zach Galifianakis is a person. He’s a human being. He has interests outside of Zach Galifianakis comparisons. Maybe he’s a writer. Maybe he’s an actor. Maybe he’s a comedian. Maybe Zach Galifian-fucking-akis completely stole this guy’s bit and is making millions of dollars and having sex with women a lot more attractive than our disinterested w at the bar tonight while our m, our Zach Galifianakis look-alike, can’t even get a girl to ask his name or ask what he does even though he remembers their conversation and shouts out encouraging words to this banged girl as she leaves the bar.

But can I be honest, readers? What kind of person allows themselves to be referred to as “Zach Galifianakis” for an entire conversation with a woman without trying to 1. correct her or 2. stop talking to her and find someone who wants to know your name?

This is a missed connection for a complete fucking loser.

Admittedly, the best line of post is the second to last, where...

Wed, 03 Nov 2010 16:54:42 -0400

Admittedly, the best line of post is the second to last, where this submissive m says, “No sex, just slavery” and then offers to kiss some dom w’s ass and feet, although I’m really into his declaration that he “will supply most cleaning materials.”

I don’t know why I like that line so much. Maybe I’m laughing at the thought of a man walking down the street with cleaning stuff to some woman’s house/apartment so he can get his kicks by doing chores or maybe I think it’s funny that he might get requests he’s not prepared for and is hoping the woman has the necessary supplies. Maybe it’s both.

I don’t know. Sometimes the universe is a mysterious place.

I once had a conversation with a friend where I asked how she...

Wed, 03 Nov 2010 16:39:03 -0400

I once had a conversation with a friend where I asked how she masturbated. She told me that her preferred (if not only) position to get herself off manually was on her stomach. I then asked her what she thought about while she did it, to which she responded, “Boys.” I thought about her doing this for a moment, said, “Oh, cool,” and then didn’t really think about it until I read this post.

My point is, everyone does it and it’s just as easy to imagine how someone masturbates as it is to ask them how they masturbate and both results won’t be that different from one another.

What does this m expect to get out of a conversation with an older w about how she enjoys masturbating? Does he expect her to eventually masturbate in front of him? Who cares?

Did everyone have a good Halloween? I went to a party as a...

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 17:23:53 -0400

Did everyone have a good Halloween? I went to a party as a “divorced cool dad” and blacked out on four lokos.

And if any of you dressed up as a “sexy _______” there’s a guy on the Upper East Side who’d like to talk to you.

One of the cardinal sins of the m4anything blog is to post a...

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 18:13:01 -0400

One of the cardinal sins of the m4anything blog is to post a missed connection for a famous person. To reiterate the theory: they don’t read missed connections because they don’t have time, they don’t hang out on the internet (unlike you and me, reader), and they’re famous, which means they can have anyone they want (unlike you and me, reader) and they probably wouldn’t remember you anyway.

I’m only posting this because it’s not terrible a terrible ad and I really like the doodle at the bottom of the post, which was obviously drawn on a bar napkin. I tend to do this a lot when I drink and I’m glad there are others who share my affinity for booze, craigslist, and drunken portraiture.

Oh, btw:

I suspect that if you’re going over to a stranger’s...

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 18:16:15 -0400

I suspect that if you’re going over to a stranger’s apartment to eat out her asshole and you’re sometimes willing to eat out someone’s asshole while her boyfriend is watching, shouldn’t you be prepared to get a little dirty?

That whole line about “most important good hygiene” just makes you sound like an enormous pussy.

Of all the major body fetishes (breasts: juvenile; feet: ...

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 17:33:00 -0400

Of all the major body fetishes (breasts: juvenile; feet: weird; legs: kind of gay; hair: why not?), an ass fetish is obviously the most refined and mature.

I was surprised to learn that “cash slave” is an...

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 16:56:08 -0400

I was surprised to learn that “cash slave” is an actual fetish. Or maybe it’s better described as a sub-fetish?

Either way, there are people out there who will give you money because just giving you money is what gets them off.

I like to imagine that his “no sex” opening...

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 14:26:38 -0400

I like to imagine that his “no sex” opening sentence is some kind of a warning, like “don’t fuck my friends at this party where you’re going to be serving drinks shirtless,” but in reality it’s probably more like a promise to the potential shirtless guy that the creep in the picture at the bottom isn’t going to drug and rape you. A promise that I can’t say for sure the man in the picture would keep: the opening sentence reads like an afterthought.

Honestly, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around this party. Why is the “ideal match” someone who fits his description of ”Brazilian/ Asisan [sic]?” Is this event pool party-themed, like they need a cabana boy or something? Does the intense looking white man (and his “chilled out friends”) harbor some kind of weird colonialist fantasy of being waited on by shirtless ethnics?

Or is this simply normal for a “mixed” house party in the West Village?

Since my feet are basically a cross between Fred...

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 11:26:02 -0400

Since my feet are basically a cross between Fred Flinstone’s and a gorilla’s paw, the only people who’d have any interest in smelling them would be cryptozoologists and Sasquatch enthusiasts.

But if you told me years ago that creepy old men would pay you just to sniff your feet (and no fucking), I might have considered taking better care of them.

No sex today.

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 11:07:00 -0400

Craigslist hasn’t been communicating enough with me lately. We rarely talk any more. He doesn’t tell me what he’s thinking. He doesn’t tweet enough. I’ve asked Craigslist to go with me to couple’s therapy, but he just ignores me.

I think he’s seeing another blogger.

We haven’t had sex in months!

No number of words I commit to this post could equal the...

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 17:03:09 -0400

No number of words I commit to this post could equal the amusement you’ll get out of checking out Hosiery Advocate’s lookbook, blogspot, and hot or not pages.

And here’s a post which pretty much encapsulates the sad,...

Tue, 19 Oct 2010 12:34:43 -0400

And here’s a post which pretty much encapsulates the sad, chronically painful, snaggletoothed, misogynistic fate of all male virgins.

I have a theory on virginity; specifically, male...

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 18:04:48 -0400

I have a theory on virginity; specifically, male virginity.

I don’t entirely know how this happened, although given my interests I figure it was bound to happen, but I know/have known a good number of male virgins. Based on years of research in the field, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a window for guys wherein, if they don’t pop their cherry at a particular time, things go awry in one way or another.

If a guy loses it too soon, they run the risk of not being interesting; why bother learning how to be funny, charming, or smart if you’ve already reached the end-goal of why you need to be funny, charming, or smart in the first place? I think a lot of makes you an interesting human has to do with struggling a bit when you’re younger.

Losing your virginity early in life, however, isn’t as fruitful a study as investigating and observing those who lose it later in life, or not at all. The m in this post claims to be a 27 year-old virgin. This may work in his favor as I suspect 27 is the absolute cut-off point for a guy to laid (although I think the window is more like 24-26, and even then it’s a crap shoot) because there’s a point in a guy’s life when, if they haven’t had sex yet, they shouldn’t bother trying to have it at all.

Look at it this way: if you didn’t lose it at the end of high school when you had a little more opportunity and you didn’t lose it in college when you had a lot more opportunities and you didn’t lose it after college when you have the freedom to do whatever and whomever you want, you, virgins, basically missed out on the most formative years of your life. Everyone else got the awkwardness of learning how to engage with another person on a (potentially) romantic level and be naked in front of another person out of the way, but not you. Now you’re a virgin in your mid-20s and you and everyone you know know you’re a virgin. It becomes a defining aspect of your personality; somehow people can sense it.

So of course you want to lose it, but because you have the attitude of a virgin (and everyone virgin I know seems to have the mentality of a tweenage girl about it) you can’t just go to a bar, get drunk, and pretend you’re not a virgin (apropos of this: are all older male virgins afraid of having bad first-time sex? This really seems to be the case), you need to post shit on craigslist and find someone with whom you have ”a decent mutual attraction”.

But you see, even if all these pieces fall into place for our 27 year old virgins, they run the risk of having their first—and all subsequent—sexual experience be negated by the fact that they’ve been virgins for so long that they can’t shake their own virginity. They still act like and have the same attitudes as virgins no matter how many how many holes their penises enter.

I call it “perpetual virginity”.