m4anything

One of the cardinal sins of the m4anything blog is to post a missed connection for a famous person.  To reiterate the theory:  they don’t read missed connections because they don’t have time, they don’t hang out on the internet (unlike you and me, reader), and they’re famous, which means they can have anyone they want (unlike you and me, reader) and they probably wouldn’t remember you anyway.

I’m only posting this because it’s not terrible a terrible ad and I really like the doodle at the bottom of the post, which was obviously drawn on a bar napkin.  I tend to do this a lot when I drink and I’m glad there are others who share my affinity for booze, craigslist, and drunken portraiture.

Oh, btw:

I suspect that if you’re going over to a stranger’s apartment to eat out her asshole and you’re sometimes willing to eat out someone’s asshole while her boyfriend is watching, shouldn’t you be prepared to get a little dirty?

That whole line about “most important good hygiene” just makes you sound like an enormous pussy.

Of all the major body fetishes (breasts:  juvenile; feet:  weird; legs:  kind of gay; hair:  why not?), an ass fetish is obviously the most refined and mature.

I was surprised to learn that “cash slave” is an actual fetish.  Or maybe it’s better described as a sub-fetish? 

Either way, there are people out there who will give you money because just giving you money is what gets them off.

I like to imagine that his “no sex” opening sentence is some kind of a warning, like “don’t fuck my friends at this party where you’re going to be serving drinks shirtless,” but in reality it’s probably more like a promise to the potential shirtless guy that the creep in the picture at the bottom isn’t going to drug and rape you.  A promise that I can’t say for sure the man in the picture would keep:  the opening sentence reads like an afterthought.

Honestly, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around this party.  Why is the “ideal match” someone who fits his description of ”Brazilian/ Asisan [sic]?”  Is this event pool party-themed, like they need a cabana boy or something?  Does the intense looking white man (and his “chilled out friends”) harbor some kind of weird colonialist fantasy of being waited on by shirtless ethnics? 

Or is this simply normal for a “mixed” house party in the West Village?

Since my feet are basically a cross between Fred Flinstone’s and a gorilla’s paw, the only people who’d have any interest in smelling them would be cryptozoologists and Sasquatch enthusiasts. 

But if you told me years ago that creepy old men would pay you just to sniff your feet (and no fucking), I might have considered taking better care of them.

No number of words I commit to this post could equal the amusement you’ll get out of checking out Hosiery Advocate’s lookbook, blogspot, and hot or not pages.

And here’s a post which pretty much encapsulates the sad, chronically painful, snaggletoothed, misogynistic fate of all male virgins.

I have a theory on virginity; specifically, male virginity.

I don’t entirely know how this happened, although given my interests I figure it was bound to happen, but I know/have known a good number of male virgins.  Based on years of research in the field, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a window for guys wherein, if they don’t pop their cherry at a particular time, things go awry in one way or another.

If a guy loses it too soon, they run the risk of not being interesting; why bother learning how to be funny, charming, or smart if you’ve already reached the end-goal of why you need to be funny, charming, or smart in the first place?  I think a lot of makes you an interesting human has to do with struggling a bit when you’re younger.

Losing your virginity early in life, however, isn’t as fruitful a study as investigating and observing those who lose it later in life, or not at all.  The m in this post claims to be a 27 year-old virgin.  This may work in his favor as I suspect 27 is the absolute cut-off point for a guy to laid (although I think the window is more like 24-26, and even then it’s a crap shoot) because there’s a point in a guy’s life when, if they haven’t had sex yet, they shouldn’t bother trying to have it at all.

Look at it this way:  if you didn’t lose it at the end of high school when you had a little more opportunity and you didn’t lose it in college when you had a lot more opportunities and you didn’t lose it after college when you have the freedom to do whatever and whomever you want, you, virgins, basically missed out on the most formative years of your life.  Everyone else got the awkwardness of learning how to engage with another person on a (potentially) romantic level and be naked in front of another person out of the way, but not you.  Now you’re a virgin in your mid-20s and you and everyone you know know you’re a virgin.  It becomes a defining aspect of your personality; somehow people can sense it.

So of course you want to lose it, but because you have the attitude of a virgin (and everyone virgin I know seems to have the mentality of a tweenage girl about it) you can’t just go to a bar, get drunk, and pretend you’re not a virgin (apropos of this:  are all older male virgins afraid of having bad first-time sex?  This really seems to be the case), you need to post shit on craigslist and find someone with whom you have ”a decent mutual attraction”.

But you see, even if all these pieces fall into place for our 27 year old virgins, they run the risk of having their first—and all subsequent—sexual experience be negated by the fact that they’ve been virgins for so long that they can’t shake their own virginity.  They still act like and have the same attitudes as virgins no matter how many how many holes their penises enter.

I call it “perpetual virginity”.