I don’t need to do much work to set the scene for you: imagine a crowded bar with 90s music playing in the background, the lights are dim, people drinking, the din of conversation goes on around you, etc. Maybe it’s the kind of place where you have to do that half-shout at someone while they’re cocking your head towards you in order to be heard. This bar is a meat market. It’s one of those bars. Think of all this while I introduce the players.
Imagine Zach Galifianakis and a disinterested girl talking to one another at the bar. This girl could be anyone because no one would want to talk to someone who looked like Zach Galifianakis, unless that person actually was Zach Galifianakis. I don’t know…let’s say she’s skinny, has bangs, wears glasses to look more attractive, thought a lot about her outfit before going out but didn’t put too much effort into it. Let’s say she’s a 7 out of 10 or something, even though I have no idea what that means.
Now imagine the guy who looks like Zach Galifianakis. The key to this, though, is that you need to imagine a guy who looks exactly like Zach Galifianakis but isn’t actually Zach Galifianakis. It’s like they could be twins. And since this guy grew his beard (they’re trendy right now and he’s ugly underneath all that hair, anyway) he gets called “Zach Galifianakis” all the fucking time. His friends don’t even mention it any more because it stopped being funny for them a long time ago, but whenever he meets new people, they’re all “hey, you look like Zach Galifianakis” and this guy who looks like Zach Galifianakis but isn’t has to either laugh along with their terrible joke or say something like, “I haven’t heard that one before har har,” and then he comes off as a total fucking tool.
The thing is, this guy who is a fucking doppelganger for Zach Galifianakis is a person. He’s a human being. He has interests outside of Zach Galifianakis comparisons. Maybe he’s a writer. Maybe he’s an actor. Maybe he’s a comedian. Maybe Zach Galifian-fucking-akis completely stole this guy’s bit and is making millions of dollars and having sex with women a lot more attractive than our disinterested w at the bar tonight while our m, our Zach Galifianakis look-alike, can’t even get a girl to ask his name or ask what he does even though he remembers their conversation and shouts out encouraging words to this banged girl as she leaves the bar.
But can I be honest, readers? What kind of person allows themselves to be referred to as “Zach Galifianakis” for an entire conversation with a woman without trying to 1. correct her or 2. stop talking to her and find someone who wants to know your name?
This is a missed connection for a complete fucking loser.