1. I desperately wanted this to be a missed connection for a time traveler, but nothing shows a lack of knowledge of the future like losing lotto tickets.

  2. "Hipster hole."

    I’m just posting this for potential blog traffic.

  3. Here’s the most recent of this guy’s fingering/breast suckling ads.

    I don’t really have an angle on this one, but I’m really curious as to what the statuses (stati?) of fingerbanging and being “into” tits are in the collective consciousness of very late 2010.  For instance, should we be assuming this m is 14 years old or something?  Does this m want to be an “adult baby” via his curiously Freudian infatuation with boobs and vagina?  Or are we at a point where it’s acceptable to be an adult male with a full time job who just wants to invite a woman over to his apartment, grab a few drinks, massage her breasts and suck her nipples, and then fingerbang her?

  4. So, this is the first of several ads I saw from this guy, each of them asking for the same thing:  he wants to fingerbang a chick while he sucks on her boobs.

  5. I’ve seen ads like this before—ones where men offer to clean houses—and plenty of other submissive fantasies on craigslist to the point where reading an ad like this shouldn’t even phase me, but there was something about this post that really bothered me. 

    At first I thought it might be the idea of cooking naked that confused me, but it’s not that.  It’s that this m is 28 years old and wants to clean a house.  And might not get sex out of it. 

    I won’t really clean my room even if I know someone’s coming over for the explicit purpose of having sex, so obviously I’m confounded by this.

  6. I got drunk and blacked out twice this past weekend.  I have no idea what I did, but I know I made an ass out of myself because I’m a silly, stumble-y drunk who gets really friendly and likes to talk.

    I’m going to pretend December 3rd didn’t happen the way it inevitably went down, that I met some friends at a bar, went home happy, slept well, and spent Saturday in my living room watching season 1 of Veronica Mars by choice and not because I was cripplingly hungover.

    As much as I’d like to pretend December 5th didn’t happen, either, I made the mistake of blacking out among friends who later informed me of what I’d done.  Apparently, I asked a girl out for sushi.

    SUSHI?!  Who asks a girl out for sushi?  Am I your dad?  Am I that lame when I drink? Was I trying to be ”ironic”?  I blacked out, so I’ll never know.  I don’t even know who the fuck I am any more. 

    Of all the things I’ve done when I was drunk, this was one of the most inexcuseable.  Seriously, readers—because I’m very embarassed by this—please tell me one line you can tell a girl that’s as played-out, stereotypical, and cliched, as “want to get some sushi with me”?

  7. I don’t need to do much work to set the scene for you:  imagine a crowded bar with 90s music playing in the background, the lights are dim, people drinking, the din of conversation goes on around you, etc.  Maybe it’s the kind of place where you have to do that half-shout at someone while they’re cocking your head towards you in order to be heard.  This bar is a meat market.  It’s one of those bars.  Think of all this while I introduce the players.

    Imagine Zach Galifianakis and a disinterested girl talking to one another at the bar.  This girl could be anyone because no one would want to talk to someone who looked like Zach Galifianakis, unless that person actually was Zach Galifianakis.  I don’t know…let’s say she’s skinny, has bangs, wears glasses to look more attractive, thought a lot about her outfit before going out but didn’t put too much effort into it.  Let’s say she’s a 7 out of 10 or something, even though I have no idea what that means.

    Now imagine the guy who looks like Zach Galifianakis.  The key to this, though, is that you need to imagine a guy who looks exactly like Zach Galifianakis but isn’t actually Zach Galifianakis.  It’s like they could be twins.  And since this guy grew his beard (they’re trendy right now and he’s ugly underneath all that hair, anyway) he gets called “Zach Galifianakis” all the fucking time.  His friends don’t even mention it any more because it stopped being funny for them a long time ago, but whenever he meets new people, they’re all “hey, you look like Zach Galifianakis” and this guy who looks like Zach Galifianakis but isn’t has to either laugh along with their terrible joke or say something like, “I haven’t heard that one before har har,” and then he comes off as a total fucking tool.

    The thing is, this guy who is a fucking doppelganger for Zach Galifianakis is a person.  He’s a human being.  He has interests outside of Zach Galifianakis comparisons.  Maybe he’s a writer.  Maybe he’s an actor.  Maybe he’s a comedian.  Maybe Zach Galifian-fucking-akis completely stole this guy’s bit and is making millions of dollars and having sex with women a lot more attractive than our disinterested w at the bar tonight while our m, our Zach Galifianakis look-alike, can’t even get a girl to ask his name or ask what he does even though he remembers their conversation and shouts out encouraging words to this banged girl as she leaves the bar.

    But can I be honest, readers?  What kind of person allows themselves to be referred to as “Zach Galifianakis” for an entire conversation with a woman without trying to 1. correct her or 2. stop talking to her and find someone who wants to know your name?

    This is a missed connection for a complete fucking loser.

  8. Admittedly, the best line of post is the second to last, where this submissive m says, “No sex, just slavery” and then offers to kiss some dom w’s ass and feet, although I’m really into his declaration that he “will supply most cleaning materials.”

    I don’t know why I like that line so much.  Maybe I’m laughing at the thought of a man walking down the street with cleaning stuff to some woman’s house/apartment so he can get his kicks by doing chores or maybe I think it’s funny that he might get requests he’s not prepared for and is hoping the woman has the necessary supplies.  Maybe it’s both.

    I don’t know.  Sometimes the universe is a mysterious place.

  9. I once had a conversation with a friend where I asked how she masturbated.  She told me that her preferred (if not only) position to get herself off manually was on her stomach.  I then asked her what she thought about while she did it, to which she responded, “Boys.”  I thought about her doing this for a moment, said, “Oh, cool,” and then didn’t really think about it until I read this post.

    My point is, everyone does it and it’s just as easy to imagine how someone masturbates as it is to ask them how they masturbate and both results won’t be that different from one another.

    What does this m expect to get out of a conversation with an older w about how she enjoys masturbating?  Does he expect her to eventually masturbate in front of him?  Who cares?

  10. Did everyone have a good Halloween?  I went to a party as a “divorced cool dad” and blacked out on four lokos.

    And if any of you dressed up as a “sexy _______” there’s a guy on the Upper East Side who’d like to talk to you.